Thank you for calling the Australian Army.
I'm sorry, but all of our units are out, at the moment,
or are otherwise engaged.
Please leave a message with;
your country’s name,
name of organisation,
the region,
the specific crisis,
and a number at which we can get back to you.
As soon as we have sorted out;
Timor,
Iraq,
Afganistan,
Solomon Is,
Bougainville,
Cook Island,
patrolling the 'Top End'
the search for illegal immigrants
and intruders into our Economic Exclusion Zone,
cleaning up after cyclones,
helping Tsunami victims,
building memorials at Bali,
putting out bushfires,
providing security to high profile sporting events,
attending Equity training and Leadership Conferences, ….
we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone… or;
if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers:
If your crisis is small, close to the Australian coast and not urgent,
press #1 for the Royal Australian Navy.
If however your concern is distant,
with a temperate climate, five star accommodation,
and can be solved by one or two low risk,
high altitude bombing runs,
please press #2 for the Royal Australian Air Force.
(Please note
this service is not available between 16:30 and 08:30 hours daily,
nor on weekends or public holidays, the whole 24 hous.)
Special consideration will be given to customers requiring
short, sharp, pre-empted, clandestine strike into foreign territories
or live target practice for our new, state of the art, attack
helicopter gunships.
If your inquiry is urgent, please press #3 for the Rapid Deployment
Force.
If you are in real hot trouble, please press #4,
and your call will be routed to the SF Command,
the appropriate Watchkeeper
or OPSO will be too happy to take your call.
Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required
to ensure you can afford the inherent costs.
Also be aware that the Department of Finance will bill your account,
and is not required to tell you why, as it will be classified.
If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be;
shouted at,
abused,
bullied,
bastardised,
under paid,
suffer premature arthritis,
and are prepared to work your bum off daily,
risking your life for months,
far from home and family,
while watching the Government erode your benefits,
then please stay on the line.
Your call will eventually be connected to;
an indifferent, overpaid, civilian, recruiting contractor
situated in a well appointed air conditioned office
overlooking the sea,
whose course notes included compulsory viewing of
'The Odd Angry Shot'.
Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the
Australian Army.
Try again any time.
